Saturday, July 08, 2006
>>>
the cat ran away, the bottle finally propped open
read Han's blog. and coincidentally came across this particular month when i was quite frequently mentioned. i owe it to him that i'm still standing right here, in one piece. otherwise, i wouldn't have known what would become of me. i might be watching you guys from above right now. 19 months back...on this very special night, we went to your house.
i was already half dead. too hurt by his beastly actions.
however, you stood by me. you tried to knock some sense into me that he's never gonna come back.
that fact struck me real hard. life was a bitch then.
the night was young.
we talked; you sang to me the song you composed and i really do appreciate it very much.
very romantic of you.
you somehow made me forget a little bit about reality. you brought me to another dimension i've never been before.
and at that very moment, i felt the butterflies.
i myself was in a dilemma. i couldn't differentiate between infatuation and love.
so i decided not to make my feelings obvious.
just go with the flow.
the next day, you showed me your blog through the bulky phone you were holding then (i still remember..hahas).
i think you showed it to me for a reason.
so i postulate you're Hart, i'm Pearlyn, BH Benny and Caliste's carol.
i'm so damned touched. broke down.
i wish i had you to myself then.
i hoped you would have embraced me into your arms.
but,
i wasn't sure of my feelings. i'm really confused. i'm afraid i'm just taking you as a substitute of BH.
and i'm scarred too deeply. the fear of being hurt once again was too intense.
i was distressed.
and i'm afraid if it was really just an infatuation,
i would hurt u.
that would make me an ingrate.
too many reservations.
so i thought the most sensible thing to do was to act as if i was ignorant about the whole matter, and just allow myself to cower, live peacefully in self deceit.
i apologise for being so chicken-hearted.
you're just that sort of guy whom i would never want to hurt.
just because i can't bear to.
not because i never had feelings for you.
..................
.......
but whatever it is, its in the past already. i'm grateful that you were always there for me. thankx a million. how can i ever thank you for that.
-greatly indebted-
{ go to hell } 5:41 AM
